I Chose

Carnage surrounds me, corpses everywhere, the wind blowing through my hair and tattered clothes as I stare across the battlefield at the only other person left. His expression is indiscernible from this distance, although even if he was near me I doubt I could understand it, doubt I would want to. I hoist my gun higher in my arms, trembling with the effort. 

He comes closer. “Hey, Rene.”

“Don’t call me that.” I aim between his brows.

He stops in his tracks, hurt flashing unhidden across his face, and I flinch. “Don’t you understand why I did this?” His voice breaks.

“Kill hundreds of innocents and almost the Governor too? I’d rather not try to unravel the mind of a villain, thanks.” I spit out the words, but they still leave the taste of bile in my mouth.

He flinches. “You’d do anything for your people, but me? I couldn’t live that way.” He murmurs. “I can’t kill one just to save a million.” He looks up, his eyes glassy.

I don’t want to look at him, I don’t want to think about how it was before, I don’t want to remember—“This wasn’t supposed to be like this.” I breathe. “Please.”

“I can’t, Irene.”

“I love you.” The words escape my mouth before I can stop them, and I back away, stunned, stumbling, tripping over my feet; but I can’t take them back. I don’t want to take them back. I can’t. 

“Then why don’t you give me a chance?” Ian’s voice is filled with hope. 

And it breaks me.

I close my eyes. I’m so, so sorry. My finger tugs back, jerking my arm.

*

The ensuing silence is deafening. I blink as a tear slides slowly down my cheek. 

He was right.

Am I really a hero?

Or am I just a puppet made of lies?

What have I done? A trembling hand comes up to my mouth. “No. Nonononono! No! Ian!!” I rush towards him, dropping my gun. “I’m so sorry, Ian.” I whisper against his hair, cradling his head in my arms. “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.” 

“Irene,” He whispers. “I know. I know, Rene. It’s okay. I still...love...you.” He lets out a breath, and his hazel eyes go blank.

I love you, too.

Tears flow down my cheeks and onto his face, and all I can do is scream into the sky, drenched in the blood I will never be able to wash off. I scream until my voice dissolves and my tears run dry.

*

My straight hair is twisted in a bun so severe I’m getting a headache, or maybe that’s because I haven’t slept at all in the past two days. “Irene!” A voice calls out. I turn, and see Min’s bobbing crimson head approach me. He pulls me into a hug. “I’m so proud of you.” He whispers.

I nod into his shoulder, pulling away. “Thanks, Min.” I smile, but he frowns at me.

“What happened? Aren’t you happy?” He rubs a thumb at the smudges on my cheekbones, tilting my chin up so I make eye contact with him.

I nod. “I am, just…tired.” I look away.

He claps my shoulder. “You did great. Rest up, because we’re not done yet.”

I nod again, turning and going back to my dormitory, but when I get there, all of my stuff has been cleared out.

“Your quarters have changed, Dame Belleflower.” The head’s assistant explains, appearing outside the door. “You live with the rest of the High knights in the West quarter now.” 

The West quarter is…different from the East, the sunset seeping in through gilded windows along the walls, the curtains and sheets the colour of the bruises under my eyes.

The reflections cast desolate shadows over the floor.

I chuck off my jacket onto the nearest bit of furniture and make my way to the bathroom, splashing water on my face as I lean over the sink. I shudder, closing my eyes. Water drips down my cheeks, the tang of salt burning my skin. Flashes of memory spin through my mind, piercing my thoughts like shards of glass.

I love you.

Hazel eyes. Chestnut hair. Golden smile.

Heartbroken eternity, collapsing heart, gutted screams.

I look in the mirror, but all I see is him. “Come on,” I grit out. “You got what you wanted. You’re a High Knight. The fighting is over. Get. It. Together.” The last word dissolves into a sob as I punch my reflection, gasping as glass breaks and blood spatters my tunic. I lean my forehead against my fist and shake. “Why?” I whisper weakly. My knees give out, and I collapse to the floor.

*

I go through all of the motions. I eat, bathe, train, sleep, and repeat. People keep stopping to congratulate me, but I feel like I’m swimming through honey, slowly freezing into amber. I don’t look at myself anymore.

I don’t think I will ever be able to.

“I present this award to Irene Belleflower, for being the one to slay our greatest foe and restore peace to our city.”

I raise my head as the Governor pins the medal to my uniform, and pound my chest with my right hand as I stare at the crowds milling in the streets. 

My chest tightens. I blink and step onto the podium. “It is a great honour to receive this medal, and to be of service to my city. Our city. I will serve it with every breath I take, and pray that I die in service.” I say clearly, a mirror to what I vowed when I graduated. “Servitium urbi meae, servitium mundo meo.” Unshed tears burn in my eyes, and everything blurs.

I stare across the crowd, ten years younger and ten years more innocent.

“…welcome to the Academy, Miss Belleflower.”

My eyes land on a grinning face, standing on my right, with mussed chestnut hair over bright hazel eyes.

I blink, and his face disappears.

I’m sorry, Brother.

“Center your story around someone who finally achieves their biggest goal — only to realize it cost them everything.”

written from 20/03/26 - 27/03/26